1. Have goals while letting go of attachment to outcomes
Happiness comes from accepting what is and letting go of outcomes. Go ahead and have goals, but watch how unhappy you are when you get too attached to them. Acceptance is a necessary relationship attitude. Hold your intentions and know that the outcomes will be exactly as they should be. Contentment comes from truly accepting what is. Notice if you hold onto certain attachments right now in your present relationships.
2. Strive to live and "be" in the present
"Being in the present" presumes an understanding that relationships only occur in the present. This means that true connection happens only in the present; life and experience happen only in the present. There are only three waking slates of mind: the past, present, and future. If you are conscious, you'll notice which state you're in.
Notice when you are truly in the present, you feel relaxed and calm. Moreover, being present means that you are not judging what is happening at that moment. Say that one of your close friends is acting distant: does this trigger you to react? If so, you are judging the present moment by unconsciously comparing this situation to past hurts or future expectations. You might feel anxious, angry, or afraidand being aware of those feelings will prepare you for your future relationship with a partner. If you want to be happy in life, live in the present!
3. Love, accept, and trust yourself
This is a radical attitude for most of us, since it presumes that you understand the Law of Attraction (Chapter 10), which says that what you resist will persist. Let's say that you gel into an argument with a close friend and go home feeling very angry. You can hold onto that rage, or you can shift your attitude and think, "What can 1 learn from this? Here's somebody I care about, and somebody who cares about me. How can we resolve this and reconnect?" If you love, accept, and trust yourself, every interaction becomes a learning opportunity.
This also means that you understand that people are different. 1 love Mr. Rogers' quote, "You're special just for being you." Differences can be threatening if you're insecure. Sometimes we handle our discomfort with differences by wanting others to be like us, or wanting to be like everyone else. Mr. Rogers knew that kids resist feeling special because they fear that something might be wrong with them if they're different. Accept others for who they are, and appreciate yourself for who you are. This will be a true asset when you meet your life partner.
4. Focus on connection, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object or goal
This presumes an understanding that you want to create a life and relationship that fits your Vision. This is not about winning a prize or achieving a goal. It's about connecting to another human being, and a fulfilling relationship comes from deep connection. Remember the Packaging Trap (Chapter 3), in which you focus on outside packaging-such as someone's body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions - and overlook the reality of the person inside. When we are unconscious, we either focus on ourselves - me, me, meor our partner, you, you, you. But the true magic is in the connection of both people. Take note of your connection with the people in your life right now, such as friends and family.
5. Strive to be authentic; be fully honest with yourself and oth- ers, aligning your words, values, and actions
This is my definition of integrity. When you observe people, you can guess what kind of relationships they have. For example, on one of the recent episodes of The Bachelor that I've been tuning into, the "bachelor" makes it clear over and over that he just wants to be with a girl who likes to have "fun." You can imagine how authentic his relationships will be. If we are unconscious, we feel like we have to put on a show and appear a certain way. Bui if we are conscious, we are real, honest, and assertive. We love and accept who we are and do not look for appreciation or approval. Are you being authentic in your relationships right now? Or are you playing a role or putting on a show?
6. Strive to live life with intentionality and make conscious choices
In my own life, I've had a lot of wake-up calls and surprises. Each time I got divorced, for example, I asked myself, "How did this happen?" Well, I created the mess by ignoring red flags. Intentionality means that you make your choices conscious of their consequences.
What kinds of choices arc you making in your present relationships? Your choices determine your outcomes.
7. Strive to take risks, overcome fears, and stretch your comfort level to reach your goals
It is human nature to stay with the status quo and be comfortable. Stretching lakes a lot of effort and can feel scary, but we've got to stretch ourselves if we are going to succeed. In order to grow, you need to take risks. You will run into obstacles and feel afraid; friends and family will disagree with you. But happiness does not come from getting approval from others or from hiding and playing small. Watch what happens when you take risks and play large with the people close to you! This will prepare you for taking risks when you meet your life partner.
8. Assume abundance and opportunities will appear for you
So, often we fall into negativity: "I'm too old," "Ml the good men are taken," "There are not enough compatible women out there for me." The scarcity mind-set is poison! The Scarcity Trap (Chapter 3) results in relationship failure because there is a temptation to settle for less. Unfortunately, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, because when you expect less, you gel less. The Law of Attraction (Chapter 10) assumes abundance.
9. Take responsibility for your outcomes by taking initiative in your life and relationships
You are a responsible adult. You know that your outcomes are largely your own creation. When we are unconsciously reactive, we are not accountable for our actions. This is the whole challenge of growing up: kids don't want to take responsibility, but you know they've grown up when they do. Being a Chooser (Chapter 6) means
207
knowing what you want and how to get it. Are you The Chooser in your present relationships? Do you take initiative for creating your life the way you'd like?
10. What others judge about you is about them; strive to let go of what others think and not take it personally
To truly understand relationships, you know that others have their own baggage and often project their stuff onto you. The phenomenon of projection is that we assign our own thoughts and feelings onto someone else. Maggie and I go through this all the time at home. She's very sensitive to changes in temperature, and we're always going back and forth about turning the heat up or down. She'll say, "I'm freezing! Aren't you freezing?" Either the kids or I will say, "No, I'm just fine." But she can't understand it: "What do you mean? It's freezing!" She's cold and she is sure that we should be too. But her experience is not ours. Once you understand this phenomenon, it's easier to allow for differences and remember that the human experience is an individual one.
You recall Dorothy, who at age fifty-five signed up for a video dating service for the firs! lime in her life. On Sunday afternoon, Dorothy drove into downtown Houston to meet her date, Richard, a fifty-nine-year-old divorced businessman, for coffee. On the phone, Richard had suggested dinner, but because this dating adventure was new and a little intimidating for Dorothy, she had felt more comfortable meeting him for the first time in broad daylight at a busy cafe.
Dorothy had been impressed by Richard's profile because they seemed to have a few things in common. He also had two sons, and he had been divorced for almost twenty years. He was also born and raised in Houston. And a statement he'd made in his profilethat he did not drink alcohol and preferred to be with an abstinent partnermade Dorothy wonder if he might meet one of her Requirements. A member of AA since her divorce, Dorothy had not had any alcohol in two decades. She felt like it would be very difficult for her to be in a relationship with a man who drank, even if ii was only occasionally.
"Hello!" Richard greeted Dorothy with a warm hug just inside the cafe entrance.
"Hello!" she smiled at him, immediately comfortable with his friendly manner.
They followed the hostess to a booth. From the corner of her eye, Dorothy took in his salt-and-pepper hair and long legs. When they sat down, she was pleased to see how his gray-blue eyes sparkled. They gave her the impression that he took care of himself This was affirmed when he ordered herbal tea instead of coffee.
"I have to admit," Richard began, "this video dating thing is rather new for me."
Dorothy laughed. "You're kidding me! I'm not quite a pro yet either."
Dorothy was impressed by Richard's openness right off the bat. Also, something about himmaybe if was his gentlemanly style and deep voice-reminded her of her first long-term boyfriend following her divorce, whom she still pined over at times. He was the man who had introduced her to AA and led her on her road to self-recovery. Their relationship - emotionally open and available-had been such a welcome contrast to Dorothy's marriage. It seemed so long ago that he had been transferred to another city and they'd gone their separate ways. If she had known then that she would still be single today, she probably would have moved with him.
209
Indeed, her date also attended AA meetings regularly, and it surprised both of them that their paths had not crossed before. Dorothy noted to herself that this was a man who seemed to take care of himself, which fit right into her Requirements for a partner.
No comments:
Post a Comment