Over Sixty but Not over the Hill

Dating and relating for seniors follows the same basic plan outlined in this book with a couple of additional considerations. By this time in life, your circle probably includes longtime friends and family members, including grown children and grandchildren, which can translate into more opinions and more people who need to be satisfied. However, on the other side of things, a person of maturity has most likely worked through identity issues, childhood stuff, and pretty much knows what will work and what won't when it comes to relating. As long as established preferences don't add up to inflexibility, life experience can be a decided advantage.

Seniors who are new to recovery, those recovering from divorce or death of a spouse, and those who are alone for any other reason can find themselves up against challenges that many of their contemporaries aren't facing. Starting over at a time in your life when others your age are settling in can be daunting. Isolation and loneliness can have a sharper edge during later years than earlier in life. New relationships can bring complications at any age. This can be particularly true when each person brings years of accumulation to a new partnership. As was mentioned earlier, children (including adult children) and grandchildren need to be considered. Sometimes there are issues with former spouses, in-laws, businesses, and property to be dealt with too. However, there is also a good supply of wisdom to draw on. Mattie and Ben's story shows how they handled many of these challenges:

Mattie and Ben were both in their early sixties when they met at a fund-raiser for the local animal shelter. Ben is in Twelve Step recovery, working programs for alcoholism, gambling, and co-dependency. His sponsor suggested he help at the shelter as a way of contributing to the community. His marriage ended in divorce two years before, which propelled him into recovery. Mattie, divorced ten years, has spent much of her time and energy developing her landscaping business. She volunteers at the animal shelter on weekends. Mattie was married to an alcoholic for many years.

Mattie and Ben were immediately drawn to each other, and after two weekends of working together, Ben asked Mattie to join him for a casual dinner after work. They had a good time and began making it a regular occasionfinding small, inexpensive restaurants for early Saturday night dinners. When Ben told Mattie he was in recovery, she stiffened. Having experienced many years of her former husband's alcoholism, she was reluctant, fearing a repetition of the past. Ben felt her discomfort, and his disappointment was overwhelming. His sponsor suggested being candid with Mattie. He advised Ben to share his feelings and discuss her fears about addiction. If she agreed, they could check out an Al-Anon meeting together.

They began attending the meeting regularly, talking afterward about their experiencesher marriage with an alcoholic and Ben's regrets at making a mess out of his marriage. Mattie was honest about the fear of losing herself again. She didn't want to take attention away from her work, which she loved as it was an art as well as a livelihood. Trust between them built gradually. Mattie liked Ben a lot but knew she needed to set her boundaries and be able to hold the line. Ben knew he needed to stay focused on recovery and to see his relationship with Mattie less as a chance

Children can be upset when you date, but in the long run, it lets them know it's all right to go on with life.

Recovering individuals in gay and lesbian relationships encounter the same challenges as hetero relationships, with some additional considerations.

Using program principles to help sort out the past from the present gives second tries a better chance. It's never too late to have a happy relationship.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a relationship doesn't make it. In the next chapter you'll find some suggestions that can help you recognize when it's over and things you can do to take care of yourself when it ends.

What Is Intimacy?

We hear the word intimacy a lot, usually followed by a sharp intake of breath and a shudder. It's one of those mysterious terms most of us don't clearly grasp, but we intuitively sense its power. Intimacy is more than sharing stories and spending time together, and to be intimate we don't have to have sex or be married. So what is intimacy?

Intimacy, as the word implies, has to do with your inner workingsyour emotions. In his book Addictive Relationships: Why Love Goes Wrong in Recovery, Terence Gorski defines intimacy quite simply as the "ability to identify your thoughts and emotions and share them with another person" (o-9). He goes on to say that you need to listen while the other person does the same thing. The conversation thus discussion of boundaries later, an emotion might signal you to pay attention. For example, you might be frightened when the wind rattles the shutters. This doesn't necessarily mean danger. Your fear is telling you to check things out. It might be reminding you of another time when a similar noise turned out to be dangerous. Upon investigation, you may find it is nothing more than a banging shutter. Of course, your investigation might also alert you to real danger. You have to pay attention to internal warning signals and check things out.

The Old Fly-on-the-Wall Trick

The best approach can be summed up in two words: be real. Rigorous honesty is at the heart of the Twelve Step recovery program, so is sharing hope, strength, and experience. Be honest, friendly, and positive, and you can't go wrong. At the very least you'll be practicing your principles. As previously stated, landing a date isn't the end result of this project. Dating is about you learning more about yourself, developing your social skills, and getting out into the world.

A favorite technique that almost always works to ease discomfort and get you going on your dating plan is to become the observer in your mindthe fly on the wall. It's the opposite of checking out. You're present but with room to have the experience without getting critical or collapsing into it. It's the observer's job to pay attention to youto notice how you are feelingand not to take notes on the other person. Be sure the observer is on your side, offering plenty of positive encouragement in a friendly voice.

Innuendos Looking for a Place to Land

Another signal to be alert to is sexual innuendos. If you don't want sex, a wrestling match, or to be accused of teasing, watch out for the following invitations or situations:

"Why don't you relax and let me give you a back rub (including shoulder and feet massages and toe sucking)?"

"Can you help me with this zipper?"

"Would you mind coming in for just a minute while I check the house for burglars?"

"Let's just stretch out on the bed and cuddle. 1 promise nothing will happen until you're ready"

Late night walks on a deserted beach (particularly when carrying a blanket).

Naked hot-tubbing or skinny-dipping.

Almost all date rapes include alcohol or other drugs. Because you are most likely in recovery (or dating someone in recovery), the assumption is you won't be engaging in that behavior. If, however, being with someone who is drinking is a problem for you and if not drinking becomes a problem for your date, it's a sign to move on.

Making Conscious Connections

For this Fourth Step you'll apply the same method you used when taking the Fourth Step in your Twelve Step program, using the slightly modified form below. You'll be working across the page in nine columns, so you might want to tape several pieces of paper together.

1.List your past significant romantic relationships.

2.Identify what was going on in your life just prior to each relationship. What was happening and what were you feeling? (For example, I just moved to Podunk, and I was feeling lonely. Or 1 just lost my job and was feeling really stupid about myself.)

3.If sex was part of the relationship, how long did you know this person before becoming sexual together?

4.How long did the relationship last?

5.What feelings did you have during this relationship?

6.Who ended it and why?

7.What were your feelings when it ended?

8.How did you handle your feelings?

9. How long before you got into the next significant romantic relationship?

When you have answered these questions regarding all past significant relationships, go over the results with your dating sponsor or another person you trust. This isn't about whether you've been naughty or nice but about uncovering self-defeating patterns. As you go over the results, look for connections, including

your emotional condition prior to each relationship

expectations as you entered each relationship

feelings that dominated each relationship

how each relationship ended

feelings you were left with

beliefs you hold about yourself and about relationships that were reinforced by the relationship and the breakup

Dating: A Need or "Amuck"?

What's spirituality have to do with it?

From love limbo to singleit's a real life!

Intimacy and commitment begin at home.

We never outgrow our need for the Serenity Prayer.

Sometimes we're afraid to admit what it is we really want. And most of us don't know the difference between natural needs and desires and addiction rearing its ugly head. As you've learned in recovery, all addictions are rooted in basic human instincts run amuck. Recovery is about knowing the difference between a need and "amuck."

Self-determination is the ability to decide what you want and go after it, and it is a mark of a well-developed person. Recovery holds the promise of happiness, joy, and freedom and gives us the very real opportunity of developing self-determination and having those promises come true.

The position taken in this book is that dating and having a romantic relationship with another person is a natural human instinct and is something most people will seek. Healthy dating begins as you make conscious choices about what's important to you and take steps toward your goal. When it comes to relationships, it takes a sufficient degree of self-awareness to recognize when instinct morphs into addiction and when "amuck" lurks around the next corner.

Remember, you've got a framework in which to operate, a supportive community behind you, and a natural desire. You can do this!

Make her laugh. But don't try to be funny.

Contradiction? Hardly. If you can make her laugh, she's gonna stick around a little while to see what else you can do. But try to make her laugh and all you're gonna hear is crickets. So, therefore, no corny jokes and if you have to say something funny and witty, save it. It will always come out wrong. Don't act too funny. Most people are not natural comedians and more than likely you aren't either.

Sucks for you, but hey, that's the way the world works. Just be yourself. If you are, that's a good impression.

Another lovely lady I know said this, "This guy, bless his heart, this guy was so un-funny it was almost funny. He told these corny jokes and whenever there was an opening for him to say something 'funny', he would. I might have given him a chance but he really got on my nerves. It was one of the longest dates I've ever been on."

Don't be this guy. You could end up in a dating book!

If you want her to laugh, why not learn a few clean!jokes. (Dirty jokes are a real turn-off.) Self-