Over Sixty but Not over the Hill

Dating and relating for seniors follows the same basic plan outlined in this book with a couple of additional considerations. By this time in life, your circle probably includes longtime friends and family members, including grown children and grandchildren, which can translate into more opinions and more people who need to be satisfied. However, on the other side of things, a person of maturity has most likely worked through identity issues, childhood stuff, and pretty much knows what will work and what won't when it comes to relating. As long as established preferences don't add up to inflexibility, life experience can be a decided advantage.

Seniors who are new to recovery, those recovering from divorce or death of a spouse, and those who are alone for any other reason can find themselves up against challenges that many of their contemporaries aren't facing. Starting over at a time in your life when others your age are settling in can be daunting. Isolation and loneliness can have a sharper edge during later years than earlier in life. New relationships can bring complications at any age. This can be particularly true when each person brings years of accumulation to a new partnership. As was mentioned earlier, children (including adult children) and grandchildren need to be considered. Sometimes there are issues with former spouses, in-laws, businesses, and property to be dealt with too. However, there is also a good supply of wisdom to draw on. Mattie and Ben's story shows how they handled many of these challenges:

Mattie and Ben were both in their early sixties when they met at a fund-raiser for the local animal shelter. Ben is in Twelve Step recovery, working programs for alcoholism, gambling, and co-dependency. His sponsor suggested he help at the shelter as a way of contributing to the community. His marriage ended in divorce two years before, which propelled him into recovery. Mattie, divorced ten years, has spent much of her time and energy developing her landscaping business. She volunteers at the animal shelter on weekends. Mattie was married to an alcoholic for many years.

Mattie and Ben were immediately drawn to each other, and after two weekends of working together, Ben asked Mattie to join him for a casual dinner after work. They had a good time and began making it a regular occasionfinding small, inexpensive restaurants for early Saturday night dinners. When Ben told Mattie he was in recovery, she stiffened. Having experienced many years of her former husband's alcoholism, she was reluctant, fearing a repetition of the past. Ben felt her discomfort, and his disappointment was overwhelming. His sponsor suggested being candid with Mattie. He advised Ben to share his feelings and discuss her fears about addiction. If she agreed, they could check out an Al-Anon meeting together.

They began attending the meeting regularly, talking afterward about their experiencesher marriage with an alcoholic and Ben's regrets at making a mess out of his marriage. Mattie was honest about the fear of losing herself again. She didn't want to take attention away from her work, which she loved as it was an art as well as a livelihood. Trust between them built gradually. Mattie liked Ben a lot but knew she needed to set her boundaries and be able to hold the line. Ben knew he needed to stay focused on recovery and to see his relationship with Mattie less as a chance

Children can be upset when you date, but in the long run, it lets them know it's all right to go on with life.

Recovering individuals in gay and lesbian relationships encounter the same challenges as hetero relationships, with some additional considerations.

Using program principles to help sort out the past from the present gives second tries a better chance. It's never too late to have a happy relationship.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a relationship doesn't make it. In the next chapter you'll find some suggestions that can help you recognize when it's over and things you can do to take care of yourself when it ends.

What Is Intimacy?

We hear the word intimacy a lot, usually followed by a sharp intake of breath and a shudder. It's one of those mysterious terms most of us don't clearly grasp, but we intuitively sense its power. Intimacy is more than sharing stories and spending time together, and to be intimate we don't have to have sex or be married. So what is intimacy?

Intimacy, as the word implies, has to do with your inner workingsyour emotions. In his book Addictive Relationships: Why Love Goes Wrong in Recovery, Terence Gorski defines intimacy quite simply as the "ability to identify your thoughts and emotions and share them with another person" (o-9). He goes on to say that you need to listen while the other person does the same thing. The conversation thus discussion of boundaries later, an emotion might signal you to pay attention. For example, you might be frightened when the wind rattles the shutters. This doesn't necessarily mean danger. Your fear is telling you to check things out. It might be reminding you of another time when a similar noise turned out to be dangerous. Upon investigation, you may find it is nothing more than a banging shutter. Of course, your investigation might also alert you to real danger. You have to pay attention to internal warning signals and check things out.

The Old Fly-on-the-Wall Trick

The best approach can be summed up in two words: be real. Rigorous honesty is at the heart of the Twelve Step recovery program, so is sharing hope, strength, and experience. Be honest, friendly, and positive, and you can't go wrong. At the very least you'll be practicing your principles. As previously stated, landing a date isn't the end result of this project. Dating is about you learning more about yourself, developing your social skills, and getting out into the world.

A favorite technique that almost always works to ease discomfort and get you going on your dating plan is to become the observer in your mindthe fly on the wall. It's the opposite of checking out. You're present but with room to have the experience without getting critical or collapsing into it. It's the observer's job to pay attention to youto notice how you are feelingand not to take notes on the other person. Be sure the observer is on your side, offering plenty of positive encouragement in a friendly voice.