Innuendos Looking for a Place to Land

Another signal to be alert to is sexual innuendos. If you don't want sex, a wrestling match, or to be accused of teasing, watch out for the following invitations or situations:

"Why don't you relax and let me give you a back rub (including shoulder and feet massages and toe sucking)?"

"Can you help me with this zipper?"

"Would you mind coming in for just a minute while I check the house for burglars?"

"Let's just stretch out on the bed and cuddle. 1 promise nothing will happen until you're ready"

Late night walks on a deserted beach (particularly when carrying a blanket).

Naked hot-tubbing or skinny-dipping.

Almost all date rapes include alcohol or other drugs. Because you are most likely in recovery (or dating someone in recovery), the assumption is you won't be engaging in that behavior. If, however, being with someone who is drinking is a problem for you and if not drinking becomes a problem for your date, it's a sign to move on.

Making Conscious Connections

For this Fourth Step you'll apply the same method you used when taking the Fourth Step in your Twelve Step program, using the slightly modified form below. You'll be working across the page in nine columns, so you might want to tape several pieces of paper together.

1.List your past significant romantic relationships.

2.Identify what was going on in your life just prior to each relationship. What was happening and what were you feeling? (For example, I just moved to Podunk, and I was feeling lonely. Or 1 just lost my job and was feeling really stupid about myself.)

3.If sex was part of the relationship, how long did you know this person before becoming sexual together?

4.How long did the relationship last?

5.What feelings did you have during this relationship?

6.Who ended it and why?

7.What were your feelings when it ended?

8.How did you handle your feelings?

9. How long before you got into the next significant romantic relationship?

When you have answered these questions regarding all past significant relationships, go over the results with your dating sponsor or another person you trust. This isn't about whether you've been naughty or nice but about uncovering self-defeating patterns. As you go over the results, look for connections, including

your emotional condition prior to each relationship

expectations as you entered each relationship

feelings that dominated each relationship

how each relationship ended

feelings you were left with

beliefs you hold about yourself and about relationships that were reinforced by the relationship and the breakup

Dating: A Need or "Amuck"?

What's spirituality have to do with it?

From love limbo to singleit's a real life!

Intimacy and commitment begin at home.

We never outgrow our need for the Serenity Prayer.

Sometimes we're afraid to admit what it is we really want. And most of us don't know the difference between natural needs and desires and addiction rearing its ugly head. As you've learned in recovery, all addictions are rooted in basic human instincts run amuck. Recovery is about knowing the difference between a need and "amuck."

Self-determination is the ability to decide what you want and go after it, and it is a mark of a well-developed person. Recovery holds the promise of happiness, joy, and freedom and gives us the very real opportunity of developing self-determination and having those promises come true.

The position taken in this book is that dating and having a romantic relationship with another person is a natural human instinct and is something most people will seek. Healthy dating begins as you make conscious choices about what's important to you and take steps toward your goal. When it comes to relationships, it takes a sufficient degree of self-awareness to recognize when instinct morphs into addiction and when "amuck" lurks around the next corner.

Remember, you've got a framework in which to operate, a supportive community behind you, and a natural desire. You can do this!

Make her laugh. But don't try to be funny.

Contradiction? Hardly. If you can make her laugh, she's gonna stick around a little while to see what else you can do. But try to make her laugh and all you're gonna hear is crickets. So, therefore, no corny jokes and if you have to say something funny and witty, save it. It will always come out wrong. Don't act too funny. Most people are not natural comedians and more than likely you aren't either.

Sucks for you, but hey, that's the way the world works. Just be yourself. If you are, that's a good impression.

Another lovely lady I know said this, "This guy, bless his heart, this guy was so un-funny it was almost funny. He told these corny jokes and whenever there was an opening for him to say something 'funny', he would. I might have given him a chance but he really got on my nerves. It was one of the longest dates I've ever been on."

Don't be this guy. You could end up in a dating book!

If you want her to laugh, why not learn a few clean!jokes. (Dirty jokes are a real turn-off.) Self-

Sharp dressed man

Pick up your purses, girls, we're going shopping!

Take a good hard look at yourself. How old is that shirt you're wearing? What are those things on your feet? You call those shoes? But, you say, they're comfortable. If I hear one more man tell me he wears what he wears because of comfort I am going to blow a gasket. What does comfort have to do with anything? After you break them in, any pair of shoes you buy will be comfortable.

I can always tell a single man these days because of the way he dresses. If he looks like crap, that means a woman hasn't gotten a hold of him yet and straightened him out. You have to dress well. This is hugely important to women. If you don't care about how you look, why should she care at all?

Women spend a huge amount of money on new clothing. If you knew how much, you would appreciate them all the more. And you would wonder how they can afford it. Two words: Credit cards. Women are going in debt to look nice for you. That's how important it is to them. They put all this time into the way they look and you think you can get away with dressing in an old t-shirt and jeans or, God forbid.

sweatpants? Nuh uh. You think just because you're a great guy she's going to pick you out of a crowd even if you dress like a slob? Well, she might pick you out, but she's just going to think to herself, "Man, what a dork!"

You don't want to be a fixer-upper!

If this pisses you off, then stop trying to get a woman. Don't change. They don't care if you're interested or not. Don't say, "Well, they're too superficial." So what? You base first impressions on looks, don't you? I know you do because everyone does. You're going to notice the pretty woman in a tight dress with the spectacular boobs before you notice the wallflower in the corner dressed in overalls. Right?

You say, It should all be about the inside, the inner beauty. What a crock. People mate with one another because of attraction, physical and chemical. Besides, how can they see the inner beauty if they can't get past the Member's Only jacket? If you dress like a dork, expect to be treated as such.

I've seen lots of nice looking guys who dress like dorks. They don't have a clue as to why no one wants to hook up with them. It might not be "fair" but that's how it really is. Chicks may be too nice to come out and tell you they didn't want anything to do with you because you look like an extra from Revenge of the Nerds. But then again, they won't go out with you either. You don't want to jeopardize your chances of getting lucky because you were dressed sloppy. Sometimes, all chicks will give you is one glance. That first impression is very crucial. If they don't like what they see, they are not going to give you the time of day.

Let's go over a few of those atrocities in your closet. This is stuff that needs to be weeded out. If you have to keep it, never wear it when you are trying to pick up women.

Get rid of this crap:

■                    The golf shirt. I hate golf! You know why? Because now everyone and their mother's are wearing these God-awful things. A golf shirt is not a good shirt to wear. It is not a good indicator that you have any style whatsoever. If you're anything like most men, you probably got one free somewhere.

■                    Pants: Pleated pants, whether khaki or otherwise. All these pants do is make you look twenty or so pounds heavier. (I am not going to mention parachute pants or anything like that. If you have any of these, you know what you have to do.)

■                    Team shirts. Oh, brother. Do you people think that if you wear a shirt with "your" team's logo that makes you part of the team? Newsflash: It doesn't! Never, ever wear a shirt with your favorite team's logo on it. I don't care how big a fan you are or if they just won the super-bowl, don't do it.

■          Baseball caps. How old are you? I mean, really. Sure, wear a baseball cap to... say... a baseball game! Why is that thing on your head every time you hit the door? What are you trying to hide? If you show up for a date with a baseball hat turned around backwards, don't be surprised if she shoves it up your ass.

■               Shorts. I was recently in London watching the local news and they had a reporter on the streets asking men (mostly American) why they were wearing shorts. It's, like, a crime over there or something. Make it a crime over here. Help start a trend!

■               Sneakers. Why? Why? WHY! Why are you still wearing sneakers? Seinfeld went off the air years ago! Do hard-soled shoes hurt your little feet? You poor thing. Why don't you just stay home and forget about it? If you go out in sneakers, you might as well.

■               Sebago's or "dock" shoes. You don't still have a pair of these, do you? You do know they went out of style about twenty years ago, don't you? If you have a pair of Sebago's, please do the rest of the world a favor and throw them out.

Fashion dos and don'ts:

■ Pants: Flat-fronted slacks are the best. They are also the most stylish. I don't have to tell you these pants need to be in a solid color, do I? Okay, buy pants in a solid color. No

strips or plaids allowed. Black, gray, and khaki are the best colors.

■       Shirts. Solid color button-down shirts in a good cotton material. You can also find some that are cotton/poly blended that look great. No crazy stripes or patterns. Just plain shirts that will go well with your pants. Also, Hawaiian shirts should be reserved for special occasions. Like when you go to Hawaii.

■       Sweaters. Lightweight material in solid colors. A crew-neck or v-neck is good and should always be worn with a white t-shirt underneath. (Think Gap or Banana Republic.)

■       Belts. Belt color must match shoe color. Hopefully, neither will be in white.

■       Undershirts. White, all cotton t-shirts that should be unstained. Wear them under all shirts. You can also wear those wife-beater shirts under your shirts. As long as you're not a wife-beater, that is. (Wash them separately and use a little bleach which will keep them looking whiter for longer.)

■       Underwear. Now, I know a few of you are going to get your feathers up about this why I don't knowbut let's get it over and done with. If you get lucky enough to worry about a lovely lady seeing your skivvies, wear boxers or boxer briefs. Tighty whities won't get it. She will laugh at you if you strip down and stand there in a pair. Maybe not to your face but imagine the things she's going to tell her girlfriends. Yeah. She'll tell them everything. And if you own a pair of Speedo-type skivvies, I just worry about you. Going commando isn't recommended, either.

■               Socks. No white socks unless you are wearing jeans or khakis. Coloredblack, brown, tansocks for all other pants. And no argyles! Any socks with pills on them or holes should be thrown out.

■               Holes. In fact, anything that has holes the manufacturer didn't put in should be thrown out as well as anything that is stained or ragged. If you have any doubt about something, throw it out.

■               Coats. A good leather coatin black or dark brown but preferably in blackis a good investment and can be worn with anything. Make sure it is in a classic style and if you buy a motorcycle jacket, be sure to have a motorcycle. (Note that these jackets are not recommended.) You might also want to get a wool or wool-blended jacket that zips or buttons down. These are good in black and should hit around the hip area. Please do not ever wear a duster coat of any kind unless you are mounting a horse.

■               Hats. No. Just forget about hats. If you're not in a rap band, don't wear a skull cap, either. (Hopefully by the time you read this, this style will be over.) The only time you should wear a hat is if you're going: Hunting, hiking, beaching.

■               Wallets. You need a nice, leather one that doesn't close with Velcro. It should also be free of thousands of little useless papers and your CPR card that ran out two years ago. No man bags or messenger bags unless you are traveling or going to school!

■               Eyeglasses. No aviator-style glasses. If you can swing it, get some contacts. If you have to wear glasses, or prefer to, go shopping and see what's in style. It won't kill you to buy a new stylish pair. Nothing says smart man quite like a smart pair of glasses. (Yes, just like men love women with glasses, women love men with glasses. Correction: Men with stylish glasses.)

■               Watches. A watch is for telling time. Any other device on a watch besides telling time makes one look like a dork. Any nice watch with a leather band will do. (A tank watch is always good.)

■       Shoes. Let's stop for a minute and talk about shoes. I don't think you can begin to understand how important shoes are to women. Again, women are in debt because of shoes. Do you know that many women have been known to pay as much as five-hundredand up!bucks for a single pair of shoes? Yeah, its true. One of the first things the ladies will look at is your shoes. I don't know why this is, but you can tell so much about a person by just looking at their shoes. You need good shoes. Bypass Foot Locker and go to a men's shoe store. Look over what they have. If any of these shoes have a tassel, bypass them as well. Still not sure which ones to get? A good indicator is if you think a TV preacheror a salesmanmight wear them. If so, bye-bye. Good shoes have a slightly thicker sole and they are also made of leatherreal leather. They can be in brown or black. (Unless you're a pimp, never buy a pair of shoes in any other color.) You don't have to buy five or six pairs, just one good pair to keep for your dates. Always shine your shoes. Buy a shoe-shining kit if you have to.

If you still need help, look around at a few men who have some style and check out their shoes. If you're still in doubt, ask the salesman to help you. Buying a nice pair of leather shoes in a classic style is the best way to go. (These kinds of shoes usually do not have hiking boot bottoms, nor are they hiking boots.

Sorry.) You can wear these shoes with jeans or khakis or dress slacks.

The point of all this is that you want to make a good first impression. Chicks will judge you on your appearance. It may not be right and it may not be fair, but that's life. You want them to notice you, not your clothes.

You want to look hip and stylish but never NEVER!sleazy. No gold chains, pinky ringsunless you are wearing a suit. And, if you're not in a rock band, no earrings! Yup, you heard me right. Get rid of it now. (If you have a nose ring or any other kind of ring somewhere on your body, I am assuming you work in a tattoo parlor.)

You say. All this sounds good but I have no idea where to start. If so, study the good men's magazines (not Juggs) and see what's in style. Tear a few of those pics out and take them with you when you go to shop. Also, try everything on! Bend down and over and hug yourself to make sure the seams don't creak. Check out the sleeves. They should cover your wrists when you hold your arm out straightthink about reaching for the biscuits. If you reach and your sleeve comes up over your wrist a little too far, it's too small.

Check out the hemline on your pants as well. It should drape around the top of your shoes but never above your ankle. You want clothing to fit but never skin tight. A little looser is better than a little tighter, unless, of course, you're a stripper and if you are, I shouldn't have to tell you anything about picking up chicks.

Buy the stuff as you can afford it. Of course, you are going to going to have to spend some money, tightwad. If you're strapped for cash, set a few bucks back every week until you have enough for one good outfit, from head to toe. Then, save some more and buy another and another. Soon, your closet will have admiring glances from all the ladies who are about to enter your life. Just don't be afraid to change your wardrobe. Be a sharp dressed man. Looking good and having good clothing is so going to boost your confidence level. And that's what we're after here. Once you have confidence, you can conquer the world.

What we learned:

■          The way a man dresses is very important to a woman. She will pick out a sharp dressed man in a crowd but not the loser in Sebago's.

■          Anything that is suspect in your closet needs to be thrown out. See list.

■          Buy new, stylish clothes that make you look like somebody. See list.

■          Don't be afraid to spend a little money.

■          If you can't afford new clothes, start a clothing fund today.

ARE YOU A SUCCESSFUL SINGLE?

Putting your life on hold while you wait for a relationship to happen only leads to unhappiness. I encourage you to live your life vision and purpose while you are single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy and successful single living the life that you really want. You are a successful single when you are truly happy as you are. So, go ahead and pursue your goal of a relationship while living life fully in the present and letting go of your attachment to future outcomes!

You are a successful single when you are truly happy as you are.

Cathy continued to date recreation a for the next year, but as time passed, she knew that she was ready for a long-term relationship. With her coach, she'd worked on being the Chooser and realized that she'd spent too much time simply responding to men's queries online. What would happen if SHE did the choosing? After browsing online and taking notes, Cathy wrote down the names of eight men who might meet her Requirements. Little did she know what special man was in that group!

She and Samuel e-mailed for months, but they were both so busy dating other people that they didn't connect in person. When they met for coffee that spring, there was a spark. Samuel was a forty-five-year-old divorced lawyer with two school-aged children who came from an alcoholic family and had given up drinking fifteen years before. He and his ex-wife had an amicable relationship. Cathy and Samuel continued to see each other every week for a few months, growing closer. Cathy had worked so much on her life Vision - as well as her dating skills - that she knew this love was real.

Samuel was very impressed and supportive of Cathy's coaching experiences and wanted to attend relationship coaching with her. Cathy's coach used a program for pre-committed couples called "Partners in Life" that helped them evaluate the compatibility of their life Vision together, enhance their communication skills, and explore the possibility of building a successful committed relationship with each other. Gradually, they lei go of their fears and opened up to each other. Three months later they became so confident of their compatibility and readiness that they decided to get married. The day after Christmas, Samuel presented Cathy with his grandma's wedding ring, which fit perfectly. As did they!

Samuel presented Cathy with his grandma's wedding ring, which fit perfectly. As did they!

HERE ARE MY "TOP 10 RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDES:"

1. Have goals while letting go of attachment to outcomes

Happiness comes from accepting what is and letting go of outcomes. Go ahead and have goals, but watch how unhappy you are when you get too attached to them. Acceptance is a necessary relationship attitude. Hold your intentions and know that the outcomes will be exactly as they should be. Contentment comes from truly accepting what is. Notice if you hold onto certain attachments right now in your present relationships.

2. Strive to live and "be" in the present

"Being in the present" presumes an understanding that relationships only occur in the present. This means that true connection happens only in the present; life and experience happen only in the present. There are only three waking slates of mind: the past, present, and future. If you are conscious, you'll notice which state you're in.

Notice when you are truly in the present, you feel relaxed and calm. Moreover, being present means that you are not judging what is happening at that moment. Say that one of your close friends is acting distant: does this trigger you to react? If so, you are judging the present moment by unconsciously comparing this situation to past hurts or future expectations. You might feel anxious, angry, or afraidand being aware of those feelings will prepare you for your future relationship with a partner. If you want to be happy in life, live in the present!

3. Love, accept, and trust yourself

This is a radical attitude for most of us, since it presumes that you understand the Law of Attraction (Chapter 10), which says that what you resist will persist. Let's say that you gel into an argument with a close friend and go home feeling very angry. You can hold onto that rage, or you can shift your attitude and think, "What can 1 learn from this? Here's somebody I care about, and somebody who cares about me. How can we resolve this and reconnect?" If you love, accept, and trust yourself, every interaction becomes a learning opportunity.

This also means that you understand that people are different. 1 love Mr. Rogers' quote, "You're special just for being you." Differences can be threatening if you're insecure. Sometimes we handle our discomfort with differences by wanting others to be like us, or wanting to be like everyone else. Mr. Rogers knew that kids resist feeling special because they fear that something might be wrong with them if they're different. Accept others for who they are, and appreciate yourself for who you are. This will be a true asset when you meet your life partner.

4. Focus on connection, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object or goal

This presumes an understanding that you want to create a life and relationship that fits your Vision. This is not about winning a prize or achieving a goal. It's about connecting to another human being, and a fulfilling relationship comes from deep connection. Remember the Packaging Trap (Chapter 3), in which you focus on outside packaging-such as someone's body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions - and overlook the reality of the person inside. When we are unconscious, we either focus on ourselves - me, me, meor our partner, you, you, you. But the true magic is in the connection of both people. Take note of your connection with the people in your life right now, such as friends and family.

5. Strive to be authentic; be fully honest with yourself and oth- ers, aligning your words, values, and actions

This is my definition of integrity. When you observe people, you can guess what kind of relationships they have. For example, on one of the recent episodes of The Bachelor that I've been tuning into, the "bachelor" makes it clear over and over that he just wants to be with a girl who likes to have "fun." You can imagine how authentic his relationships will be. If we are unconscious, we feel like we have to put on a show and appear a certain way. Bui if we are conscious, we are real, honest, and assertive. We love and accept who we are and do not look for appreciation or approval. Are you being authentic in your relationships right now? Or are you playing a role or putting on a show?

6. Strive to live life with intentionality and make conscious choices

In my own life, I've had a lot of wake-up calls and surprises. Each time I got divorced, for example, I asked myself, "How did this happen?" Well, I created the mess by ignoring red flags. Intentionality means that you make your choices conscious of their consequences.

What kinds of choices arc you making in your present relationships? Your choices determine your outcomes.

7. Strive to take risks, overcome fears, and stretch your comfort level to reach your goals

It is human nature to stay with the status quo and be comfortable. Stretching lakes a lot of effort and can feel scary, but we've got to stretch ourselves if we are going to succeed. In order to grow, you need to take risks. You will run into obstacles and feel afraid; friends and family will disagree with you. But happiness does not come from getting approval from others or from hiding and playing small. Watch what happens when you take risks and play large with the people close to you! This will prepare you for taking risks when you meet your life partner.

8. Assume abundance and opportunities will appear for you

So, often we fall into negativity: "I'm too old," "Ml the good men are taken," "There are not enough compatible women out there for me." The scarcity mind-set is poison! The Scarcity Trap (Chapter 3) results in relationship failure because there is a temptation to settle for less. Unfortunately, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, because when you expect less, you gel less. The Law of Attraction (Chapter 10) assumes abundance.

9. Take responsibility for your outcomes by taking initiative in your life and relationships

You are a responsible adult. You know that your outcomes are largely your own creation. When we are unconsciously reactive, we are not accountable for our actions. This is the whole challenge of growing up: kids don't want to take responsibility, but you know they've grown up when they do. Being a Chooser (Chapter 6) means

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knowing what you want and how to get it. Are you The Chooser in your present relationships? Do you take initiative for creating your life the way you'd like?

10. What others judge about you is about them; strive to let go of what others think and not take it personally

To truly understand relationships, you know that others have their own baggage and often project their stuff onto you. The phenomenon of projection is that we assign our own thoughts and feelings onto someone else. Maggie and I go through this all the time at home. She's very sensitive to changes in temperature, and we're always going back and forth about turning the heat up or down. She'll say, "I'm freezing! Aren't you freezing?" Either the kids or I will say, "No, I'm just fine." But she can't understand it: "What do you mean? It's freezing!" She's cold and she is sure that we should be too. But her experience is not ours. Once you understand this phenomenon, it's easier to allow for differences and remember that the human experience is an individual one.

You recall Dorothy, who at age fifty-five signed up for a video dating service for the firs! lime in her life. On Sunday afternoon, Dorothy drove into downtown Houston to meet her date, Richard, a fifty-nine-year-old divorced businessman, for coffee. On the phone, Richard had suggested dinner, but because this dating adventure was new and a little intimidating for Dorothy, she had felt more comfortable meeting him for the first time in broad daylight at a busy cafe.

Dorothy had been impressed by Richard's profile because they seemed to have a few things in common. He also had two sons, and he had been divorced for almost twenty years. He was also born and raised in Houston. And a statement he'd made in his profilethat he did not drink alcohol and preferred to be with an abstinent partnermade Dorothy wonder if he might meet one of her Requirements. A member of AA since her divorce, Dorothy had not had any alcohol in two decades. She felt like it would be very difficult for her to be in a relationship with a man who drank, even if ii was only occasionally.

"Hello!" Richard greeted Dorothy with a warm hug just inside the cafe entrance.

"Hello!" she smiled at him, immediately comfortable with his friendly manner.

They followed the hostess to a booth. From the corner of her eye, Dorothy took in his salt-and-pepper hair and long legs. When they sat down, she was pleased to see how his gray-blue eyes sparkled. They gave her the impression that he took care of himself This was affirmed when he ordered herbal tea instead of coffee.

"I have to admit," Richard began, "this video dating thing is rather new for me."

Dorothy laughed. "You're kidding me! I'm not quite a pro yet either."

Dorothy was impressed by Richard's openness right off the bat. Also, something about himmaybe if was his gentlemanly style and deep voice-reminded her of her first long-term boyfriend following her divorce, whom she still pined over at times. He was the man who had introduced her to AA and led her on her road to self-recovery. Their relationship - emotionally open and available-had been such a welcome contrast to Dorothy's marriage. It seemed so long ago that he had been transferred to another city and they'd gone their separate ways. If she had known then that she would still be single today, she probably would have moved with him.

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Indeed, her date also attended AA meetings regularly, and it surprised both of them that their paths had not crossed before. Dorothy noted to herself that this was a man who seemed to take care of himself, which fit right into her Requirements for a partner.

WHAT ABOUT CHEMISTRY?

On the flip side, one very common question that singles ask me is, "Can chemistry evolve over time?" Let's say you're getting to know someone who appears to meet your Requirements, but the chemistry is not quite there for you. Well, chemistry is not something that you can control. I advise singles to take their time and see what happens. Often, it turns out that you might not have a lover, but you now have a good friend.

Conscious Dating Step #2: Sorting

Sorting is the process of quickly determining if there is enough in common to pursue getting to know someone. This means that the person is lined up enough with your Requirements that you would like to get to know him/her better.

Sorting can occur by reviewing someone's online profile or by having a five-minute conversation. Let's say that you're at a singles party, and you are working the room. You have five-minute conversations with six or seven eligible people there. This means that you are getting enough information to determine if there is enough interest and compatibility for you to choose to spend more time and get to know any of them better.

Sorting is the process of quickly determining if there is enough in common to pursue getting to know someone. Sorting is generally a five-minute conversation!

Seth, in New York City, took his dating "assignments" very seriously; he knew that his life partner would be his "degree." He Scouted by posting his profile on three online matchmaking services. Within twenty-four hours, Seth's mailbox had twenty new

"3

messages. It was time to Son! Seth spent the next two nights up late, reading through each message, and asking himself, "Does this man sound serious about having a long-term relationship, or does he seem like a player?" He replied to the ten men who seemed the most sincere and authentic in their initial introductions.

Speed dating is one structured method of Sorting. I sometimes hold seminars with singles in which we set up a mock session of speed dating to practice a Sorting skill that I call the "Power Introduction." I divide all the singles in half and line each group up on opposite sides of the room. Each person has five minutes to practice the Power Introduction with his/her potential dale. This is enough time to determine if there is enough in common to pursue getting to know the person.

The Power Introduction begins by introducing yourself effectively and authentically. 1 encourage everyone to be honest, friendly, engaging, and self-disclosing. You can learn a lot about people in a very short amount of time by their reaction to you if you are authentic with them! Then I give a two-minute warning, before each person decides if it's a green light (go!), yellow light (maybe; need more info), or red light (pass). I ask all participants to end by giving the other person a compliment, then disengaging gracefully. After this, it's time to move down the line.

Screening is the process of collecting information about whether your requirements would be met with someone.

 

BEINGSINGLE IS NOT A DISEASE

If you were to take an informal survey ofsingle relatives and friends, you might hear an overwhelming "I just wantto he in a relationship!" Many singles view their status as an undesirablestate that they want to change as soon as humanly possible. Many singlesunknowingly subscribe to a myth thai if only they were in a relationship theywould be happy.

As a single, if you are not happy with yourlife or yourself, a relationship will not fix that. Many singles sign up formy Conscious Dating Relationship Success Training for Singles (RESTS) classesbecause they don't want to be single anymore. Often, they send in their applicationsout of desperation and fear. They are hoping that by the end of the course,they will have met the love of" their lives. However, many realize by theend of the class that their job right now is to pursue their dreams whilethey're single, that being single is an opportunity to enjoy their currentlife while preparing themselves for future success in having the life andrelationship they really want.

If you are not happy with your life or yourself, arelationship will not fix it.

Cathytaped up her last cardboard box and sighed- She would be leaving Denver in two weeks. Whileshe was devastated that her marriage was over, she was slowly realizing thather divorce was turning into an opportunity Cathy's life would no longerrevolve around Brad, her alcoholic husband. For a decade, she had suppressedher dream of having a family while she took care of Brad's hangovers.

Now,instead of waiting for her hung - over husband to wake up every Sunday, Cathywalked to the downtown bookstore and zoomed straight for the self-help section.She picked up one book on alcoholism that said that adult children ofalcoholics often enter relationships in which they take on a codependent saviorrole. They feel a need to save and look after their substance-abusing mates asthey did for their parents. Cathy clearly remembered nursing her father'shangovers. And her mother's role-modeling had taught her from an early age tocover up the alcoholism by throwing out empty bottles before friends came overor by explaining that her father needed to take a nap when he was reallysleeping off the previous night's binge.

Cathy wasgoing to move back to her hometown of Cincinnati.The move would be scary and daunting, but she was ready to deal with her pain.When the big day arrived, Cathy dropped her last box in the back of the movingtruck with a thump and a sigh of relief

Everythingshe'd accumulated over the past two decades was there: the pottery she had madein college, the dolls she had collected from rummage sales, kitchen supplies,bedding, stereo system, and sofa. However, she intentionally left behind thebed she and Brad had shared. It felt very symbolic not to take it with her.

Cathy'sfriend, Melissa, was driving with her from Denverto Cincinnati.Melissa was the only friend whom Cathy had hung onto during her isolatedmarriage. They had packed a special picnic basket for the long drive andbrought along a stack of their favorite CDs. As Melissa took the wheel, Cathystared out the window. She was thinking about her past. When she had marriedBrad at age twenty-eight, she knew he had a drinking problem. During the fastand furious sir months they dated before getting engaged, he was often hungover on weekends. He worked long hours as a carpenter, and she had chalked offthe extra beers as something he did to ease the heavy day's work load. Still,she had figured that after they were married, he would stop going out with hisbuddies. Not so. At least one Friday a month. Brad would stumble home at 3 a.m. and fall asleep on theirsofa. Cathy tried to remember what exactly attracted her to Brad. When theymet, most of her friends were already married and had children. She had beenfeeling like an old maid. Dating had been easymen were drawn to her fire-redhair and blue eyes but she had been feeling desperate to settle down. Brad, whowas then thirty-two, had been under a lot of pressure from his family to tiethe knot. He and Cathy had met through mutual friends at a party and quicklyjumped into seeing each other a few limes a week, leaving little space forintrospection.

You have a full and rich life ahead of you.

A fewyears into the marriage, after Cathy had difficulty getting pregnant, therelationship turned rocky. They had intense discussions about fertilitytreatments-would IVF work? could they

affordit?offer which Brad often went out drinking. At that point, Cathy went to seea therapist and starting taking antidepressants. She questioned the future ofher marriage, but the last thing she wanted to do was break up as her ownparents had. Eventually, she gave up trying to have children.

As theydrove on, Melissa told her that she'd felt so worried when Cathy hadn'treturned her phone calls.

"I'msorry," Cathy said. "I was so ashamed. It got so crazy at one pointthat if he didn't come home by 10 o'clock on Fridays, I actually went down tothe bar to find him. I thought I could drag him home, but we would end upscreaming at each other on the street corner."

Melissaturned her eyes away from the road and looked at Cathy. "You have a fulland rich life ahead of you."

6.Committed

Committed, monogamous partners have more and bettersex than singles and noncommitted partners. Redbook magazine ran afeature-"How to Make Love to a Married Man (Your Husband)"-based onthe findings from a 2001 University of Chicago study onsexual satisfaction. In this study, Linda J. Waite and Kara Joyner revealed animportant fact: married men, not their single counterparts, are the mostphysically and emotionally fulfilled when it comes to sex.

One forty-four-year-old married maninterviewed for the story said, "Maybe some of the crazy lust hasdissipated, but the love has expanded and become more profound. So the feelingsof sharing have never been stronger than in the moments that follow sex.That's when I think to myself, This is what sex is all about."

But it's not just about better sex. Intoday's world, a monogamous relationship also equates to safer sex. As asingle, you know that dating can mean putting yourself a( risk. When you're ina committed, monogamous partnership, you don't have to live in fear of HIV orSTDs.

Angela Raleigh, North Carolina

Angela, a forty-year-old single mother, wasmore than mystified with her recent relationship. She was feeling just plainlost Angela's boyfriend of two years had just split town believing, like Moses,that God was calling him to the desert, literally!

Last Friday, Matt, her boyfriend, had calledand said he urgently needed to talk with her. He was never the urgent type, soher heart pounded when she opened the door at 10 p.m. in her cotton nightgown.She'd asked him to whisper, not sure if her son was still up.

"I'vebeen packing all day," Matt said. "My time in Raleigh is through."

"Packing?"Angela said, dumbfounded. "I don't understand