Dating and relating for seniors follows the same basic plan outlined in this book with a couple of additional considerations. By this time in life, your circle probably includes longtime friends and family members, including grown children and grandchildren, which can translate into more opinions and more people who need to be satisfied. However, on the other side of things, a person of maturity has most likely worked through identity issues, childhood stuff, and pretty much knows what will work and what won't when it comes to relating. As long as established preferences don't add up to inflexibility, life experience can be a decided advantage.
Seniors who are new to recovery, those recovering from divorce or death of a spouse, and those who are alone for any other reason can find themselves up against challenges that many of their contemporaries aren't facing. Starting over at a time in your life when others your age are settling in can be daunting. Isolation and loneliness can have a sharper edge during later years than earlier in life. New relationships can bring complications at any age. This can be particularly true when each person brings years of accumulation to a new partnership. As was mentioned earlier, children (including adult children) and grandchildren need to be considered. Sometimes there are issues with former spouses, in-laws, businesses, and property to be dealt with too. However, there is also a good supply of wisdom to draw on. Mattie and Ben's story shows how they handled many of these challenges:
Mattie and Ben were both in their early sixties when they met at a fund-raiser for the local animal shelter. Ben is in Twelve Step recovery, working programs for alcoholism, gambling, and co-dependency. His sponsor suggested he help at the shelter as a way of contributing to the community. His marriage ended in divorce two years before, which propelled him into recovery. Mattie, divorced ten years, has spent much of her time and energy developing her landscaping business. She volunteers at the animal shelter on weekends. Mattie was married to an alcoholic for many years.
Mattie and Ben were immediately drawn to each other, and after two weekends of working together, Ben asked Mattie to join him for a casual dinner after work. They had a good time and began making it a regular occasionfinding small, inexpensive restaurants for early Saturday night dinners. When Ben told Mattie he was in recovery, she stiffened. Having experienced many years of her former husband's alcoholism, she was reluctant, fearing a repetition of the past. Ben felt her discomfort, and his disappointment was overwhelming. His sponsor suggested being candid with Mattie. He advised Ben to share his feelings and discuss her fears about addiction. If she agreed, they could check out an Al-Anon meeting together.
They began attending the meeting regularly, talking afterward about their experiencesher marriage with an alcoholic and Ben's regrets at making a mess out of his marriage. Mattie was honest about the fear of losing herself again. She didn't want to take attention away from her work, which she loved as it was an art as well as a livelihood. Trust between them built gradually. Mattie liked Ben a lot but knew she needed to set her boundaries and be able to hold the line. Ben knew he needed to stay focused on recovery and to see his relationship with Mattie less as a chance
Children can be upset when you date, but in the long run, it lets them know it's all right to go on with life.
Recovering individuals in gay and lesbian relationships encounter the same challenges as hetero relationships, with some additional considerations.
Using program principles to help sort out the past from the present gives second tries a better chance. It's never too late to have a happy relationship.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a relationship doesn't make it. In the next chapter you'll find some suggestions that can help you recognize when it's over and things you can do to take care of yourself when it ends.
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